When a Relationship Breaks Down, Do You Hear the Words “I failed”?
It is so common for us to take total responsibility for why our relationship has ended. Often, women who are divorced feel pushed into believing that it is their fault and if they’d behaved differently, they would still be together with their partner.
Just because a relationship has not worked out doesn’t mean that it is you that has failed. If you look at yourself within your relationship, you will probably see just how much you gave to your partner.
When something ends, the feelings of loss can be overwhelming. Like any other loss, we need to work through our grief. We are all different in this respect. How we deal with grief can very often determine how long it takes for us to get over the emotions that flood our whole being, at a time of immense pain.
Why the relationship broke down also comes into it. If it is a result of being cheated on this can bring the added feelings of “not being good enough.” It is so easy to beat ourselves up with our critical internal chattering – “What did I do wrong?” "Why was I not enough?”
This sort of internal monologue can lead to deep regrets, low self-esteem and depression, as well as the belief that you don’t matter anymore.
So how do you start to feel good about yourself again?
First of all, you stand in front of the mirror. Take a good look at yourself and out loud repeat the words “I matter” over and over again, every day, as many times as you can. You might not believe it at first, but the more you do it, the more you will start to realise that you really do matter! It may be helpful to get a piece of paper and write down all the people that you matter to, all the people that rely on you, all the people that need you. This kind of affirmation helps to focus your mind on just how important and worthy you are.
Next, you need to start to invest in you. That means treating yourself as you would a friend who was hurting and in need of love. Self-care is crucial at a time when you feel the person you love doesn’t care about you. The one person you can rely on to know what you need is you. This realisation may be a wake-up call to the fact that for the first time in a while, you have the time to think about exactly what it is you need. Don’t waste this time obsessing about your partner – because for sure as anything, he or she won’t be obsessing about you. As harsh as this sounds, you need to hear it.
Your life is precious; you are precious. Yes, the break up may not be your choice, but you do have an option to make the best of what you have – so focus on that.